#BloodCancerAwarenessMonth Q&A: Where did all my friends go?

Over the years, I've received thousands of emails about Bald in the Land of Big Hair, a memoir about my experience with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. A cancer diagnosis brings a firestorm of questions, and as a survivor, I can sympathize, but I'm not an expert; many times I just don't have the answers. So this year during Blood Cancer Awareness Month, I've asked Ashley Rodgers (Masters in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling), to respond to some FAQs about the emotional and psychological aspects of the cancer journey. 

Q: Since my cancer diagnosis, a lot of my friends and even some of my family members seem to have disappeared. If I happen to bump into someone I know, they're obviously uncomfortable. WTF?

Ashley says: Many people have experienced loved ones pull away during or after treatment. This is typically because they care about you and do not know how to handle the news regarding your diagnosis. Some people avoid situations of conflict or distress believing their concerns would just add to the heavy load they assume you must already be carrying.

Help shorten the distance by beginning to reconnect with them. Communication is key. Here are a few tips on reconnecting:

Start small. Plan to meet for coffee or dinner just to catch up. It does not have to be a serious sit down. Just relax and revisit your relationship with no pressure or expectations. This can be difficult, but is the best way to reconnect and rebuild your relationships.

Express how you feel. Use "I-statements" to share your feelings with your loved ones and what you expect from them. I-statements are structured like this: “I feel ____ when you _____. Instead I would like you to _____.” This puts your feelings out first and allows your friends to be more receptive of what you have to say, as opposed to the reverse, which puts how they affected you first. This can put your loved ones on the defense and furthers the distance in your relationship. Your I-statement could be as simple as, “I feel hurt when you pull away. Instead I would like you to spend time with me and we don’t have to bring up the C-word.”

Take it slow. Give your relationships time to build and strengthen. Savor each step to a closer relationship as a victory. Perhaps your loved one is not ready for dinner and a movie followed by a road trip across the country, but they are up for coffee at the local café next week. Meet them for coffee and work up to the road trip.

There are several ways to start the road to reconnecting, just pick your path. Be encouraged that others have felt the same way you do and with hope and patience have reconnected with their loved ones.

Here's a great article from Mayo Clinic on reconnecting with loved ones after treatment.

Joni says: This is so much healthier than what I did during chemo; I just sort of withdrew like a turtle and tried not to "bother" anyone. That didn't help my friends who really were hurting for me but didn't know what to say. And it certainly didn't help me. I felt horribly isolated and alone. Thanks, Ashley! Great advice.

We welcome your questions and comments.

*No part of this blog or the book Bald in the Land of Big Hair should be misconstrued as or substituted for medical advice.

#BloodCancerAwarenessMonth Q&A: "How and when do I share my cancer diagnosis with my family?"

Over the years, I've received thousands of emails about Bald in the Land of Big Hair, a memoir about my experience with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. A cancer diagnosis brings a firestorm of questions, and as a survivor, I can sympathize, but I'm not an expert; many times I just don't have the answers. So this year during Blood Cancer Awareness Month, I've asked Ashley Rodgers (Masters in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling), to respond to some FAQs about the emotional and psychological aspects of the cancer journey. 

Q: At what point am I obligated to share info about my cancer diagnosis with my extended family? 

Ashley says: When it comes to sharing your diagnosis with extended family and others in your social circle, the timing is up to you. Depending on the dynamic you have with each family member or friend, they may notice something is weighing on your mind and they may ask you for the information. Others might not notice and you might be feeling the urge to share in order to connect and gain encouragement. Social support is a great source of encouragement and strength especially when you have been diagnosed with cancer. Research shows that social support improves mental and physical well being. It allows you to learn and utilize more positive coping skills, which eases the level of stress comparatively.

It may be tough trying to start this conversation with your loved ones but here are a few tips on how to approach the topic:

Give your family member(s) a heads up that you want to meet and talk with them. Maybe you want to meet that afternoon, or a few days from now. Asking for the time to talk allows the family member to prepare to set aside the time and to also be aware that you have something you want to share with them. This gives them time to be available to receive what you have to say, rather than being in the middle of picking up kids from school or on a lunch break when they are rushing back to the office, etc.

Start by saying you have something important you want to share with them and let them know what the diagnosis is, and what that means. Sharing what to expect helps provide comfort in knowing. Fear and anxiety more often follow the unknown. Try to provide as much information as you can and if you do not have an answer to a question, tell them you will find out together. 

And finally, be available to answer questions and stay connected with them. Talk about what's working now and what could be better moving forward. Social interaction and support helps combat depression and keeps you going stronger than when you are on your own. If you are looking for more social connections to help you through this, look for a support group in your area. 

For more information, check out this article: The Impact of Social Support on Cancer.

We welcome your questions and comments.

*No part of this blog or the book Bald in the Land of Big Hair should be misconstrued as or substituted for medical advice.

#BloodCancerAwarenessMonth Q&A: "Is my child old enough to know Mommy has cancer?"

Over the years, I've received thousands of emails about Bald in the Land of Big Hair, a memoir about my experience with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. A cancer diagnosis brings a firestorm of questions, and as a survivor, I can sympathize, but I'm not an expert; many times I just don't have the answers. So this year during Blood Cancer Awareness Month, I've asked Ashley Rodgers (Masters in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling), to respond to some FAQs about the emotional and psychological aspects of the cancer journey. 

Q: At what age is a child old enough to be told that a parent has cancer?

Ashley says: Cancer can be a scary word, even for adults, but communication in relationships is necessary at any age. Children generally know when something is going on, even when they do not know specifically. It is better to communicate what is happening, otherwise children typically will blame themselves for the tension. The key is to talk with your child in a way that is age appropriate.

Young children who have never experienced sickness or loss might not understand the depth of the concept. In this case, it is best to start the conversation in general and abstract ways. Talk about how you are feeling and what it means for your child. For example, perhaps treatments are resulting in lack of energy, irritability, or memory loss. Explain that sometimes when you are not feeling well, these things happen but that it is because of your medicine and not because they did something wrong or that you are not interested. This will help them understand in a way and not lay blame on themselves.

Older children have cognitively developed further and are able to understand what cancer is and how it can be scary. But with knowledge and understanding, comes comfort in knowing what to expect. Older children and adolescents want to be treated with respect and they know when something is being kept from them. Instead of reinforcing rebellion by protecting them from the news, invite closeness with conversation. Tell them what is happening to you, and what the options are down the road through treatment and further. Allow them to receive and process the information. Be available for them and ready for their questions. If you do not know the answers, tell them you will find out together.

When it comes down to it, any age is old enough. Just talk with them. No one knows your children better than you do. You know what they can handle and in what amount.

For more resources on how to talk to your kids check out: Straight Talk to Kids on the NYU Cancer Institute website.

We welcome your questions and comments.

*No part of this blog or the book Bald in the Land of Big Hair should be misconstrued as or substituted for medical advice.