As a working author of romantic suspense novels, I'm often amazed, flabbergasted, (insert-your-own synonym) with the things friends, relatives, and total strangers say to me in a misguided attempt at flattery. Some of them are hurtful, but many cause intestinal distortions as I struggle to keep a straight face. Anyway, in the name of public education, I thought I'd share some of my favorites. 1. (From older, male family member laboring under delusion I write porn): "I'd read your books, but since my prostrate operation, I can't really enjoy that sort of thing any longer." My response: Slack-jawed amazement. What I wish I'd said: "You don't need a 'prostrate,' just a pair of working eyeballs and a brain." 2. (From medical assistant at an office where I'm a patient): "I loved your new book. I just *adore* reading trash." My response: "Uh, thanks." I think. What I wish I'd said: "Clearly, you have me con...