#BloodCancerAwarnessMonth Q&A: "What's with all this sex since my hubby's diagnosis?"

Over the years, I've received thousands of emails about Bald in the Land of Big Hair, a memoir about my experience with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. A cancer diagnosis brings a firestorm of questions, and as a survivor, I can sympathize, but I'm not an expert; many times I just don't have the answers. So this year during Blood Cancer Awareness Month, I've asked Ashley Rodgers (Masters in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling), to respond to some FAQs about the emotional and psychological aspects of the cancer journey. 

Q: Since my husband's cancer diagnosis we've been having sex at least once and sometimes two or three times a day. Is there something horribly wrong with us?

Ashley says: First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with the two of you. It is natural for your sex life and patterns of intimacy to change, especially during a major life event like being diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes couples find that their sexual interactions become less frequent and they rely more on emotional comfort and support from one another; others find that sexual activity brings them the strength and comfort they are looking for.

Specifically regarding your situation, is this frequency uncomfortable for you? Often times people will neglect their own feelings or needs in order to take care of the needs of their loved ones. This is a characteristic of the term co-dependency, which can often be considered a dirty word in society but it means that you care about fulfilling others’ needs before your own. It is important to recognize what your needs are and communicate them to your partner. That way you can come together as a couple with what works for you both equally.

As far as how much is too much or too little, right or wrong does not factor in here. What is right is how much is comfortable for you both as a couple. Communicate with each other and share what you need from your partner. Perhaps your magic combination is sex once a day, and lots of hugs and handholding, or maybe the Do Not Disturb sign never comes down. The idea is to have a happy, healthy sex life full of respect and communication.

For more from the American Cancer Society on how your sex life can be affected by cancer.

Joni says: That's such a sensible approach to a topic that can be kind of powder-keggy for a lot of people. Over the years, that part of the book has generated the most response from readers--both love and hate mail! Thanks for the wise words, Ashley.

We welcome your questions and comments.

*No part of this blog or the book Bald in the Land of Big Hair should be misconstrued as or substituted for medical advice.

#BloodCancerAwarenessMonth Q&A: Where did all my friends go?

Over the years, I've received thousands of emails about Bald in the Land of Big Hair, a memoir about my experience with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. A cancer diagnosis brings a firestorm of questions, and as a survivor, I can sympathize, but I'm not an expert; many times I just don't have the answers. So this year during Blood Cancer Awareness Month, I've asked Ashley Rodgers (Masters in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling), to respond to some FAQs about the emotional and psychological aspects of the cancer journey. 

Q: Since my cancer diagnosis, a lot of my friends and even some of my family members seem to have disappeared. If I happen to bump into someone I know, they're obviously uncomfortable. WTF?

Ashley says: Many people have experienced loved ones pull away during or after treatment. This is typically because they care about you and do not know how to handle the news regarding your diagnosis. Some people avoid situations of conflict or distress believing their concerns would just add to the heavy load they assume you must already be carrying.

Help shorten the distance by beginning to reconnect with them. Communication is key. Here are a few tips on reconnecting:

Start small. Plan to meet for coffee or dinner just to catch up. It does not have to be a serious sit down. Just relax and revisit your relationship with no pressure or expectations. This can be difficult, but is the best way to reconnect and rebuild your relationships.

Express how you feel. Use "I-statements" to share your feelings with your loved ones and what you expect from them. I-statements are structured like this: “I feel ____ when you _____. Instead I would like you to _____.” This puts your feelings out first and allows your friends to be more receptive of what you have to say, as opposed to the reverse, which puts how they affected you first. This can put your loved ones on the defense and furthers the distance in your relationship. Your I-statement could be as simple as, “I feel hurt when you pull away. Instead I would like you to spend time with me and we don’t have to bring up the C-word.”

Take it slow. Give your relationships time to build and strengthen. Savor each step to a closer relationship as a victory. Perhaps your loved one is not ready for dinner and a movie followed by a road trip across the country, but they are up for coffee at the local café next week. Meet them for coffee and work up to the road trip.

There are several ways to start the road to reconnecting, just pick your path. Be encouraged that others have felt the same way you do and with hope and patience have reconnected with their loved ones.

Here's a great article from Mayo Clinic on reconnecting with loved ones after treatment.

Joni says: This is so much healthier than what I did during chemo; I just sort of withdrew like a turtle and tried not to "bother" anyone. That didn't help my friends who really were hurting for me but didn't know what to say. And it certainly didn't help me. I felt horribly isolated and alone. Thanks, Ashley! Great advice.

We welcome your questions and comments.

*No part of this blog or the book Bald in the Land of Big Hair should be misconstrued as or substituted for medical advice.

Wonder Wendy: "You must be radiantly, buoyantly alive!" (Thanks, chemo!) #BloodCancerAwarenessMonth

I'm so in agreement with Vivid Wendy Barrie! Alive is SO much better than non-alive! That's why I'm grateful to all those who stepped up to participate in clinical trials, donate blood and marrow, or dedicate their lives to caregiving in an effort to give life to all of us with blood cancer.

September is Blood Cancer Awareness Month! Visit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society to learn more about the amazing research and progress toward a cure.

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