This just in, in a Boxing the Octopus exclusive. In a twelve million dollar auction deal, an as-yet undisclosed major New York publisher has secured the memoirs of little Otto Zelznik, an "adorable puppy passed over" for the job of White House dog by the the Obama family. Otto, who claims his canine dander is protected under Section 504 of the Americans with Disabilities Act, had already come to think of Sasha and Malia, Barack and Michelle as "his people" and was making plans for a special line of commemorative White House biscuits when he was cruelly shoved back into an airline carrier and forced to settle for adoption by outgoing Vice President Dick Cheney, whom Otto claims has "absolutely no damned sense of humor" regarding puddles left in the center of his bedspread.
To make matters worse, the now-deeply-embittered Otto claims he sacrificed "a matched set of globular organs and the happy possibility of fatherhood" to his possible gig at White House Dog in Chief. "Far be it from me to be a whiner," Otto growls, "but somebody owes me a g-d new set of nuggets."
When questioned about whether a chewed section of Oval Office carpet and a possible tax "oversight" may have been to blame for his reduced circumstances, Otto had no verbal comment, but rolled over and piddled on himself in reply.
