The Big SIX-OH!

 I sent flowers to my mom every year on my birthday every year from the time I was a teenager until she passed away in 2014. As #5 of 6 kids, the day I was born - January 29, 1962 - was probably the only day it was just her and me. 

Mom was a writer, a newspaper editor, and a savant musician who could play anything with strings, keys, or foot pedals. She went by her middle name, Lois, but her first name was Wilma, which I thought was awesome because Wilma is obviously the best Flintstones character. 

She opened the door and brought me into a beautiful world 60 years ago today. I'm celebrating all the gifts Mom gave me, including my life and a deep love of language.

Here's the book she wrote about the building of the Fort Peck Dam.

#BookClubBesties Part Swan, Part Goose is out in paperback!

Swoosie Kurtz's memoir Part Swan, Part Goose is out in paperback this week, and I'm lobbying book clubs to read it. We Baby Boomers need to talk about how we relate to our aging parents, and Swoosie did that with huge heart, soul and wit in this book, candidly discussing things that have gone wrong and what she and her mom have gotten enormously right.

Swoosie has been a Broadway icon since the 1970s--a Tony, Emmy and Obie winner--and a lot of people love her from the family television drama Sisters in the early 1990s. These days Swoosie's slaying audiences weekly as Melissa McCarthy's mom on Mike & Molly, and she talks about all that in this book, but her main gig is caring for her 99 year old mom, author Margo Kurtz, and that's the heart of the story.

Margo is a stitch and a poet, still tenacious and vivacious, but living in a world of her own. Getting to know her was one of the great perks of working with Swoosie on this memoir. Swoosie was on a mission to breathe new life into Margo's memoir, My Rival, the Sky, published by Putnam in 1945 and rereleased as an ebook by Perigee last year.

Swoosie and I wove excerpts from Margo's book throughout Part Swan, Part Goose, so readers get to know Margo up close and experience some of her life with Swoosie's larger than life father, Col. Frank Kurtz, the most decorated fighter pilot of WWII. What emerges is the story of an extraordinary family and how they formed a fortress of love and support around each other in the best and worst of times.

I'm incredibly proud of what Swoosie accomplished here and thrilled that I got to help her. This book was a gift in my life as I cared for my mom, who was dying of Alzheimer's while Swoosie and I were working together. I think it'll be a gift to a lot of people. But (as they say on Reading Rainbow) you don't have to take my word for it!

“Part Swan, Part Goose is a brave and riveting book about family, fame, theater and life. It is witty, wise and irresistible. I loved it." —Tom Brokaw

"...spontaneous, irreverent but always kind, independent yet deeply rooted to her family. Swoosie has put her heart and her humor into these pages.” —Melissa McCarthy

“I laughed and cried (sometimes at the same time) reading this extraordinary story... Her observations about love and loss had me dog-earing several pages to re-read again and again.” —Carol Burnett

"...a remarkable journal about Kurtz’s extremely close relationship with her parents...a compelling saga about her recent journey as a loving caregiver for her mother as she’s slipped into depths of dementia." —Chicago Sun Times

“I thought I’d browse (Part Swan, Part Goose) and write a quick column. I couldn’t browse. Swoosie kept dragging me in with another anecdote, and she writes in a freewheeling style... yet it all makes perfect sense. The piece of her heart left on the pages is impossible not to love.” —Bob Fischbach, Omaha World-Herald

“Part Swan, Part Goose: An Uncommon Memoir of Womanhood, Work and Family is indeed uncommon. Unlike some show business memoirs, it’s neither a scandalous tell-all, nor an exercise in self-aggrandizement. Instead, it’s a candid, engaging look at Kurtz’s life and work, and especially her relationship with the two most important people in her life: her parents, Frank and Margo Kurtz.” —Trudy Ring, SheWired

“Filled with entertaining stories, gut-wrenching experiences, and touching memories, actress Swoosie Kurtz’ thoughtful memoir, Part Swan, Part Goose, celebrates her loving parents while documenting the formative events that shaped her stellar acting career.” —Tolucan Times

“Don't miss this book of collected praise for parents who had it all together. ...There is not a saccharine note in this delightful memoir.” —Liz Smith

Muddling through my first Mothers Day without my mom

My mother, author/historian Lois Lonnquist, died six weeks ago, ending a long journey through the valley of Alzheimer's. So I was afraid I'd find all the opportunistic tenderness of Mother's Day marketing especially depressing this year. (Melodrama tends to chafe in the presence of real drama.) Instead, I find that the shell-shock is giving way to gratitude. Mom always said, "You've got to bloom where you're planted," and this year, I am planted in the reality of losing her, but I have the fertile ground of a happy childhood well hydrated with music, lovingkindness, and frequent trips to the library.

Mom lived a creatively vibrant life of the mind, so Alzheimer's was a horrifically ironic way for her to die. She stubbornly refused to go easily and let us off the hook; in death as in life, she compelled the best from us, not because she bullied us but because she was so completely, tirelessly, respectfully present in all our lives. That kind of love is magnetic; it attracts great things from the universe and draws out the noblest qualities in the people who orbit nearby. 

The amiable steadfastness with which my father fed and cared for Mom was an echo of the preceding decades, during which she set before him thousands of dinner plates, countless cups of coffee, carefully balanced checkbooks, sleepy babies and lively conversations, high standards and low tones, brutal honesty and forgiving rationalizations. My sisters and I hovered around her during the last three days of her life, singing four-part harmony, checking her pulse and blood oxygen, loving each other and letting our differences slide, because each of us is, in her own unique way, our mother's daughter.

My parents raised six children: a tight quartet of girls bookended by an older and a younger brother. Mom was a savant play-anything-by-ear musician, a freelance journalist, newspaper librarian and editor, meticulous research hound, and lightning fast typist. She could pilot a small aircraft, develop photos in her basement darkroom, and make a decent supper out of the unlikeliest trove of leftovers, pantry staples, and clearance items from the dented can cart. She was a busy woman, but she had her priorities straight. What was most important was not always most immediate. She made us know the difference.

Starting the year I turned 16, I sent my mom flowers every year on my birthday in January. Not on her birthday - on mine. Because on her birthday, I was just another face in the well-wishing crowd of people who loved and admired her. Even on Mother's Day, I was #5 of six, which is a long line to stand in when you want the attention of a woman as multi-talented and driven to achieve as my mother was. On my birthday, the day I was born, she belonged to me. I know what I was to her in that moment, because I've held my own babies and felt the rest of the world momentarily fall away. The fact that my mother kept that moment alive for me - and for each of my siblings - until her brain literally shriveled like a raisin is a testament to the kind of mother she was. She didn't make us feel precious. We were precious. That was our reality, not a feeling we had.

On my 16th birthday, I was working as a cashier at a local grocery store, and Mom was at school, hacking away at the bachelor's degree she carved out by inches and in betweens over more than a decade. I left the flowers on the kitchen table with a note so she would see them right away when she got home from class. We were miles apart (geographically and ideologically) for most of my birthdays after that, but she always sent me a present and a card with a lucky penny in it, and I always had flowers delivered to the house and eventually to her office at the Helena Independent Record. I always knew that at some point during the day, I'd answer the phone, and Mom and Dad would sing "Happy Birthday to You" in the robust harmony that soundtracked my upbringing, and I would know I was as unconditionally loved and celebrated as any mother's child could hope to be.

Mom's decline was agonizingly dragged out, but the trajectory was plain; I knew in January that this was the last year I'd give her birthday flowers. She was no longer mobile or verbal. Her universe had collapsed to the confines of the living room, where Dad lifted her between a red leather recliner and a railed hospital bed. We took turns holding the cup and straw while she vacantly sipped at cranberry juice and Ensure. I stayed most of the winter in the spare apartment on the lower level of my parents' home in Helena, sitting beside Mom every morning and evening, playing ukelele and singing songs from my childhood, Googling the words on cowboylyrics.com, watching and waiting for the occasional spark of connection in her eyes. 

One day, spelunking the downstairs storage cupboards, searching for a waffle iron among the old popcorn tins, punch bowls, and Tupperware, I discovered a cache of cheap glass vases, brittle baskets, and oversized coffee mugs in which my birthday flowers had been delivered over the years. Apparently, a particular budget-conscious favorite was the FTD Sunshine Bouquet, which came in a squat white mug with a rainbow on it. There were several of those. She'd kept them like you'd keep your child's artwork. Not because it has some great decorative or archival value, but because you can't bear to let go of the moment.

In the evening on my birthday, I brought my mother roses - soft orange, vibrant yellow - and I told her, "Thank you for being my mom. I know it was a tremendous amount of work, and I didn't make it easy. You did all the important things right. And you got the less important things just wrong enough for me to believe I could do it too."

We weren't sure how much or how well she was able to see, so I carefully removed the thorns and spread the roses across her lap, and we sat together for a long while, running our hands over the petals, pulling them apart, setting them in rows. 

How silly, I suddenly realized, to always stage flowers out of reach. There is nothing you can do to make them last forever, and there is such great tactile pleasure in the textured lightness and deckled edges. Look at a rose, and you recognize that it is lovely. But hold it in your hand as its life comes full circle, and you know how precious it really is.